A Day To Be Alone.

The title says it all... I'm not too far from breaking down - All I've got are screams inside, but somehow they come out in a smile and I'm wondering if I will always feel this way... This thing called life really sucks and I don't want to play nice anymore.
3 weeks ago I had a lesion pop up on my right leg just below my knee... this lesion just started increasing in size like mad! So today I swallowed my fear and asked Dr. E to look at it - I feel like such a pain in the ass, every time a "new" lesion pops up or a mole looks funny I'm asking questions! I know everyone around me is absolutely tired of hearing my fears and ramblings. Anyway, Dr. E says we best remove it - it looks like Basal Cell. FUCK YOU Basal Cell, FUCK YOU Squamous Cell and FUCK you Melanoma! Up on the table I go to have the little bastard removed... Yep, another piece of me chopped away. I'm so done with this constant fear I live in. I'm tired of being miserable and feeling like a ticking time bomb on the inside. But who gives a fuck, right? It's my life, the choices I made - you play... you must pay. Today I feel like making a bucket list of every damn thing I ever imagined I would like to do legal and illegal before my body is chopped to nothing. I'm angry, I'm miserable and I don't want to live my life feeling this way. I feel alone, no one understands - no one truly cares... there's more importance in preparing for disasters or the end of the world catastrophes... I wish that's all I had to worry about.

 Before

Off for Biopsy

After

This is my final thoughts of the night -

Love is for those who put their trust in it... Pain is for people who still have no worth...Hope is lost when there's no need to give in...Hate is the word we always believed in....

I'm off to rest my head on my pillow. I'm so ready for this day to end ... fuck it, I'm ready for this year to end and this nightmare!

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Life. Ever-changing.

Wow,  where the hell have I been - some have been asking.... I apologize for being "lazy" on my blog posts... LIFE has been busy! 
Most of you that follow my blog know that my first g-baby was born September 27th... with that being said this Mimi has been trying to spend every moment of downtime with my sweet lil Addie:)

Just look at that beautiful little face up there:)

Addie stayed with Mimi for her first all-nigher Friday. I enjoyed every second with her. She's such a good baby (only got up once at 1:30 AM then slept til 8:50 AM). She just got here and she's already awesome!

Recently I had a 5 day vacation... Did I go anywhere??? Hell NO! I was home sick! It never fails, when I get some time off work something always happens (usually that 'something' is never good). Being exposed to all the nasty germs at work finally caught up to me and I ended up being down for several days. I'm still not 100% but I'm much better. I just hope Menza doesn't turn up sick.

Menza finally busted free from his cast and he is up moving around and finally playing outside with other kids - things are getting back to normal for him. He gained about 10 pounds sitting in that blasted wheelchair for 2 months (it's amazing what not moving does to a body), I expect those pounds to shed fairly quickly now that he is up and moving. I got his report card last week and I couldn't have been any prouder:) That boy of mine is pretty damn amazing:) His reading and math skills are through the roof and not to mention his weekly spelling tests that he passes like he's in a nascar passing a road wagon! The other morning I was getting ready for work and he was reading me a 64 page book - I loved it! I love hearing him read and sounding out new words. He also has an amazing drawing ability - check out this bird he drew for the doc I work for (he's (the doc) into birds - majorly) 

Pretty impressive, huh?!

He keeps life interesting and enjoyable. I can't imagine a day passing without him in it. I love that boy:)

Here lately I have really been missing this beautiful girl.... my sidekick, my best friend --> My daughter

College keeps Miss Brooklyn busy... She's working hard; long study days, classes and also holding down a job, oh and lets not forget active in Gamma Phi Beta and finding time to spend with her super BF Jordan:) We all feel a little neglected at times (Jordan too) but we all realize its only temporary, she's doing what she has to for the moment, she's enjoying life and preparing herself for the 'real world'.... Momma's proud Lil' Diva:) Come see me soon!

Life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs... things that matter - things that don't, job, family, friends... I can go on and on - I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day sometimes just so I can do everything I want / need to do! One thing is certain no matter what - your family and true friends will always be there waiting for just that split second you may have for them at the end of the day. 

Recently I had a 'friend' belittle me, talk incredibly rude to me and accuse me of posting derogatory things about them ... Really? Last time I checked I was 38 not 15 and what made this person think I had the time or that my world revolved around degrading them??? Just because shit splatters in your life don't point your finger my way! Let's see, in the past 3 months I was told I have cancer, my boy broke his leg, I had surgery, I kicked cancer's ass, I kept my job rolling without falling behind and I maintained my family.... I don't have time for the drama bus! There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama & the people that create it & surround yourself with the people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy!

I'm gonna end this incredibly long post with some thoughts: I think from time to time we should all look at the words that we use to describe us and decide if we like them. One thing I have learned from this fucked up cancer experience is that life changes every day. It changes without our permission, but we also have the opportunity to craft and define the changes we want to make. I realize that we cannot change everything. If I had to choose words that best defines me:  inspired, humbled, happy, strong, determined optimistic and thriving. A new word I have added is cautious - I have discovered that the fight against melanoma is not over. I may have dodged a bullet, but I have to stay vigilant my entire life and so I look at this as a journey to recovery and an opportunity to share my story and help educate people on the risks of developing melanoma - after all, Melanoma is the reason I'm sharing my life with you on this boring ass blog:)

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Survivor.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday and my 2 week post op appointment with Dr. V.
First of all, my appointment with Dr. V went very well. He was impressed with my abdominal incision scar - very well pleased as I am:) I broke down and shaved the troll arm the morning of my appointment! I tried the night before to remove the steri-strips but I just couldn't do it! It was hurting like HELL and I became a little nauseous so I said "screw it"! Dr. V pulled them off with no problem at all. The axillary scar is not as pretty as the abdominal one... It's more "dented" into my skin - but with 10 stitches I guess it could be worse! My abdomen has 7 internal stitches, 2 levels (the scar is 1 inch longer than the axillary) but my axillary was a much more deeper incision so it was stitched on 3 levels internally. He confirmed a cleaned path report but he did say as we know ... he can't promise the cancer won't reoccur. Overall I'm happy as hell - I'm a survivor! The picture above is just a silly snap shot of me in a sexy little tissue half gown waiting on Dr. V! HAHA
It was a fabulous day despite the wonderful speeding ticket I received on my way to the doctor! 70 MPH in a 50 - this trooper wasn't playing! But he did drop it to a 60 in a 50 and graciously handed me my ticket! Hmm, no mercy on the birthday girl! Hell, he probably didn't even realize the date and I sure as hell wasn't gonna play the "it's my birthday, give me a break" card! Surprisingly, I maintained my fabulous mood all day!
I spent the day with my family and taking pictures of my beautiful g-baby. That little girl has Mimi wrapped tightly around her little finger!

Back to work today after being off the weekend + 2 days:) WOW, what a BUSY day it was! Tomorrow I'm off and headed to Riley Hospital in Indy for Menza's cast removal! (Can I get a "hell yeah"!?) It's gonna be a fabulous week.... it's so funny how everything went to shit in a hand basket back in August - cancer diagnosis then Menza breaking his tibia... Now everything is happening back to back in a positive way! I am a survivor!

 

Remember to wear your sunscreen, stay out of the tanning bed, and protect the skin you're in!

 

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Off to see the Wizard.

I'm off to see the Wizard tomorrow for my 2 week post - op appointment. Today I finally mustered up enough bravery to pull my steri-strips off my abdomen incision... OUCH! Once I got all the adhesive off and cleaned up the incision it looked really good! WOW - I think it looks better than Dr. V even expected it to look. Pretty damn good considering he cut 4 inches wide, 2 inches on each side and 2 inches deep (football incision)... I'm very pleased!

My surgeon rocks!

I haven't even started on the troll arm yet - that's my task when I'm done with this post. Task is definitely what it's gonna be! I was told NO SHAVING AND NO DEODORANT... yep, all I can say is the 80's called this morning wanting their hair back! 

I think physically I am almost back to my old self. I still have a very sensitive area on my right shoulder blade (shirt even hurts against it) I'd say it's some major nerve sensitivity from the axillary biopsy that will with time improve. * I hope *

Tomorrow I'm a year older - not sure if I'm a year wiser but one thing is for certain I'm much wiser about the effects of tanning and Melanoma! 38 years of life - I can only hope and pray for 38 more:) 

xoxo - Melanoma Diva

Someday.

Conditions are never perfect. 'Someday' is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. If it's important and you want to do it 'eventually', just do it and correct course along the way.

Well, I'm 15 days post op and feeling stronger and stronger with every day that passes. This coming up Tuesday (11th) is my post op appointment with Dr. V (surgeon) - it also happens to be my 38th birthday, not a "big" birthday milestone like hitting 40, 50 or even 60 but to me it's a BIG milestone. I danced with cancer and I fuckin kicked it's ass! Yep, that's right FUCK YOU cancer and the melanocyte you rode your ass in on!

I'm proud to share my pathology report:

CLINICAL INFORMATION: Melanoma right abdomen.

OPERATION: Wide excision right abdominal melanoma with right
axillary/inguinal sentinel node bx – 1) R axillary sentinel lymph node x2.
2) melanoma R abdomen, suture at lateral apex.

MICROSCOPIC PATHOLOGY: A and B. Review of the frozen section slides and
the slides prepared from the submitted frozen tissue confirm the diagnosis
of negative for metastatic melanoma.
Sections of the skin excision biopsy demonstrate a central scar in
which there is dermal fibrosis with foreign body giant cell reaction, with
re-epithelization with keratosis. The adjacent epidermis focally contains
areas of basal layer pigmentation and banal junctional melanocyte nests,
however no residual invasive malignant melanoma is identified. The margins
of resection are clear and viable.

I know none of the above may not make any sense but the bold underlined sentences are all that matters! I am completely aware that Melanoma has a very high recurrence rate and I will live a life of always being on the lookout - I have accepted that.  

It seems like my mind has been so imprisoned with cancer - my 'mental' health has been so jacked up - I have good days with great moods then I have "don't fuckin look at me or I'll punch you in your throat" days... I think anyone that has been around me consistently will say the "hurt you" mood has been more present than any other mood. I haven't been my happy, silly, goofy self - I'm ready for that awesome ass chick to reappear:) This bitch is too legit to quit!

I've been down and depressed - basically my life for the past year or so has been repetitve, the same ol routine day in and day out... work, work and work. I'm too tired to enjoy life, then BOOM cancer... suddenly my life flashed before me (yeah, some may think that sounds silly but let me tell you, let your doctor say the words "malignant melanoma, clark's level 4" and lets see how your bowels hold up). There are so many things in my life I have walked away from, put on hold for another day or simply said screw it - it's not worth fighting for... Someday... I've asked myself over and over "why do the bad things always happen to people that try to live their life right"? I graduated nursing school with distinction, I have a damn good job and work with awesome ass people, I work hard for everything I have - nothing is handed to me, I take care of my children -always have, I have nice things that I have worked hard for, I don't smoke (lung cancer kicked my daddy's ass when I was 2), I do occasionally enjoy an ice cold Molsen (it's been ages) or a nice tasty frozen Margarita (strawberry, please)... bottomline - I live my life right, so why did cancer think I was the 'ONE'??? Cancer doesn't care what color, age, or financial status you are - cancer is a greedy bastard. By no means am I perfect, I have made my share of mistakes in life but I can honestly say I don't regret any of them, I have learned and grown from each and every one of them and for that I am the person I am today. Yep, I've hurt people along the way but by no means that doesn't mean my love wasn't true. Everything happens for a reason - so I look at cancer and wonder what is the reason... what is my next path in life... has that reason already happened? There's days that I cuss and just scream wanting to know answers but most times those answers don't present themselves right away. So with that I know one day at a time and someday everything will make sense. It may be tomorrow or next year or it could be when I take my last breath... it will finally make sense.

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Time Heals.

9 Days Post-Op

Still not 100% but each day I'm feeling stronger. I'm not sure why I thought I would be down just a couple days then back to myself... I really underestimated my healing time! A trip to Wal-Mart Saturday was enough to let me know even 8 days out I'm still not up to par! I go back to work tomorrow and I'm praying I will make it through the day without needing to lay down.

 

I still have stitches in my abdomen and under my arm - both are not good spots! What is really driving me INSANE is the incision under my arm.... I'm not allowed to wear deodorant or shave that armpit - I feel like a stinky, stubbly mess! If I don't get the OK soon, I will look like I'm manufacturing trolls in my armpit! UH! I still have steri- strips on both incisions - I asked Philip what Dr. V said about removing them and he said Dr. V said they will come off on their own... hmmm they are pretty much super glued in place! Even after several showers... they aren't budging! I go for my 2 week post-op exam this coming up week, if Dr. V thinks he's gonna pull those super glued steri-strips off my incision he's got another thing comin'! No way in hell these strips are coming off without a fight... and this ol' girl isn't wanting an incision dehiscence due to pulling those damn sticky stubborn strips off. Rain Check please?! 

My armpit is still very swollen - actually it feels like a hard golf ball on fire... I know my descriptions of things can be pretty flippin' crazy but I know you get the point. It's a golf ball size knot that feels that its burning on the inside.... there you go. 

I've had so many mixed emotions lately. I hate to look at my body in fear of finding something new. As a matter of fact I did find a black knot 3 days post-op that I need to have checked. I will have to put that off until the week after next due to this week being so full of other appointments. But it is definitely on my list. I have so much fear within me because I know the high occurrence rate of Melanoma. No one can ever really fathom how I feel unless you have been through the hell journey of cancer. I ponder, will my life ever actually be "normal" due to the fact that I will ALWAYS worry if and when cancer will try to regain control over my life?? When will the beast show itself again???  These are just a few of the thoughts I have on a daily basis. 

Onto more happier thoughts ----> This past week I became a proud Mimi to a beautiful baby girl:) Adalyn Reese was born on 9/27 weighing 6 pounds 3 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long. She's a clone of her daddy for sure! I'm so in love with her - she just absolutely melts my heart. Corey and Andrew done a wonderful job <3 

 

So, not only did I become a member of the Cancer Club - I joined the Mimi Club this year. Screw the Cancer Club - the benefits of being a member suck! They require too many sick days and the cost is astronomical! The Mimi Club - aww the benefits are so heart fulfilling. The love is so unconditional which hard to get in any club these days. I'll be 38 years young in 9 days, I'm a mother and now a Mimi and I couldn't be any happier:) 

 

 

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Pain marks the spot.

continued...

So, once I'm registered at the Surgery Center it was no time and the nurse called me back to the pre-op area. She went over several health related questions and then escorted me to the changing area. "Off with everything and put on these fashionable knee high anti-embolism socks"... Once I'm changed, I go back to the curtained area I was at and the nurse tells me she needs to go ahead and start an IV. "Best wishes" I think to myself... I've had zero fluids and food and you think it's gonna be easy to stick me?? Well, as she learned after a good 30 minutes it wasn't! Dr. V peeked in on me and we discussed the surgery. He was looking for a surgical marker to mark my skin but I told him "X" marks the spot on my breast. His thoughts "interesting"... I believe he was somewhat surprised that 2 lymph nodes in my breast lit up. He then proceeded to say that he would most likely need to make 3 incisions because the axillary area is the main area for the lymph nodes - my breast nodes are satellites.... He apologized stating he will try his best not to disfigure my breast. He said my surgery would last roughly 2 hours and that he would keep Philip updated. Off he went to view the results from the Lymphoscintigram, finally the nurse gets my IV going and brings back Philip to sit with me while I wait on the Anesthesiologist (Dr. K). No sooner than Philip takes a seat, Dr. K walks in introduces himself and asks questions regarding my health and quickly goes on his way. Philip tries to break the sadness I feel by commenting on my sexy knee high socks... it works... for a minute. Then its time to roll...

 This is the tiny scar left from the first excision of the mole.

Dr. K comes back to escort me to the OR. I walk beside him, blankets draped over my body, I can feel the coldness of the floor against my feet. I feel my body shake with fear - a 1 minute walk that seemed like forever. There we stand in a COLD, very clean and very blue room, music is blasting (my surgeon has great taste in music) I look over at the table where I will lay my tired, frightened body - I remember asking myself "is this really happening"... yep, it is, Dr. K then helps remove the 2 blankets I'm so tightly snuggled in, then he asks me to drop my gown and lay on the table. Really??? I'm naked with knee high anti-embolism socks on under this gown... I have to drop the gown?! He kindly helps untie the back and I drop it as I climb on the table. I was shivering cold so he turned the thermostat down and gave me a blanket. I placed my arms out to the side on the arm rests and Dr. K then said he was going to give me a sedative because he can only imagine the fear I must have. Yep, I was beyond scared at that point. Once the sedative was administered into my IV it didn't take long at all - I was asleep.
I woke up in a different room with a nurse talking but I couldn't make out what she was saying at first. I was crying in pain - my underarm felt as if someone tried to fit the Goodyear Blimp into it! She immediately helped get my panties and sweat pants on then administered pain meds in my IV. I cried and cried I hurt so bad! She administered pain meds 4 times before bringing back Philip. She then said she would try to catch Dr. V to ask about the pain and numbness in my arm. Philip tells me my lymph nodes were clean - the cancer has not spread. He also tells me he didn't have to make an incision into my breast, just the axillary area for lymph node biopsies. I'm so relieved to hear the cancer has not spread and my boob was still my same ol worn out empty sock boob! I cried more and more... My nurse brought me an oral pain med and another IV pain med. I was finally feeling some relief. She went over several post op instructions but I couldn't even begin to tell you what she said because at that point I was floating on pain meds. Philip helped get my upper body dressed and helped me out to his truck. Try getting into a Hummer with your stomach split open and your armpit... no fun! But we managed and I drifted off to sleep for the ride home.
I'm now 4 days post op and I can say I feel worse than I did day 1 post op. The soreness and pain is indescribable. When I sit upright or get up to walk it feels like my abdomen incision is tearing apart. Sleeping is horrible! The first 2 nights I slept on my back (I am not a back sleeper) now I'm able to maneuver a pillow under my stomach while I'm on my side to sleep and rest another pillow under my arm. Still not ideal sleeping but it helps. I find myself sleeping 12 + hours per day. My bones ache, I'm urinating smurf blue and I'm so constipated a nuclear bomb set off in my colon wouldn't help! I'm taking pain meds (1 tablet) every 2 hours instead of 2 tablets every 4. My stomach can't tolerate 2 pain pills at once. Post -op day 1 I had a severe rosacea flare up, it was so bad my lips were even burning! Luckily I caught Dr. E out in the swamp and he was able to call me in some meds. Bottom line, there has been absolutely nothing fun and joyful about this experience. Lately my emotions have been all over the place. I feel so bad for Philip because not only is he waiting on Menza now he's taking care of me. I can tell he is so frustrated at times and probably thinking to himself - he didn't sign up for this shit... I'm so thankful I have him here because I haven't seen not one family member! My oldest son was over last night but as of this second he is at the hospital preparing to earn his new title "Daddy". My daughter is in college and I know she can't skip out to come help us - I would never ask that of her. I am grateful to all the friends that have called, texted, inboxed or sent messages. For the ones that didn't - all I can say is Karma!...

 

This is the much larger re-excision site post-op

This is the axillary incision post-op

Philip snapped the above pics while I was in recovery

Day 1 Post-OP Ouchy IV Site

Day 1 Post-Op Lovely Rosacea Flare-up

XOXO - Melanoma Diva