Someday.

Conditions are never perfect. 'Someday' is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. If it's important and you want to do it 'eventually', just do it and correct course along the way.

Well, I'm 15 days post op and feeling stronger and stronger with every day that passes. This coming up Tuesday (11th) is my post op appointment with Dr. V (surgeon) - it also happens to be my 38th birthday, not a "big" birthday milestone like hitting 40, 50 or even 60 but to me it's a BIG milestone. I danced with cancer and I fuckin kicked it's ass! Yep, that's right FUCK YOU cancer and the melanocyte you rode your ass in on!

I'm proud to share my pathology report:

CLINICAL INFORMATION: Melanoma right abdomen.

OPERATION: Wide excision right abdominal melanoma with right
axillary/inguinal sentinel node bx – 1) R axillary sentinel lymph node x2.
2) melanoma R abdomen, suture at lateral apex.

MICROSCOPIC PATHOLOGY: A and B. Review of the frozen section slides and
the slides prepared from the submitted frozen tissue confirm the diagnosis
of negative for metastatic melanoma.
Sections of the skin excision biopsy demonstrate a central scar in
which there is dermal fibrosis with foreign body giant cell reaction, with
re-epithelization with keratosis. The adjacent epidermis focally contains
areas of basal layer pigmentation and banal junctional melanocyte nests,
however no residual invasive malignant melanoma is identified. The margins
of resection are clear and viable.

I know none of the above may not make any sense but the bold underlined sentences are all that matters! I am completely aware that Melanoma has a very high recurrence rate and I will live a life of always being on the lookout - I have accepted that.  

It seems like my mind has been so imprisoned with cancer - my 'mental' health has been so jacked up - I have good days with great moods then I have "don't fuckin look at me or I'll punch you in your throat" days... I think anyone that has been around me consistently will say the "hurt you" mood has been more present than any other mood. I haven't been my happy, silly, goofy self - I'm ready for that awesome ass chick to reappear:) This bitch is too legit to quit!

I've been down and depressed - basically my life for the past year or so has been repetitve, the same ol routine day in and day out... work, work and work. I'm too tired to enjoy life, then BOOM cancer... suddenly my life flashed before me (yeah, some may think that sounds silly but let me tell you, let your doctor say the words "malignant melanoma, clark's level 4" and lets see how your bowels hold up). There are so many things in my life I have walked away from, put on hold for another day or simply said screw it - it's not worth fighting for... Someday... I've asked myself over and over "why do the bad things always happen to people that try to live their life right"? I graduated nursing school with distinction, I have a damn good job and work with awesome ass people, I work hard for everything I have - nothing is handed to me, I take care of my children -always have, I have nice things that I have worked hard for, I don't smoke (lung cancer kicked my daddy's ass when I was 2), I do occasionally enjoy an ice cold Molsen (it's been ages) or a nice tasty frozen Margarita (strawberry, please)... bottomline - I live my life right, so why did cancer think I was the 'ONE'??? Cancer doesn't care what color, age, or financial status you are - cancer is a greedy bastard. By no means am I perfect, I have made my share of mistakes in life but I can honestly say I don't regret any of them, I have learned and grown from each and every one of them and for that I am the person I am today. Yep, I've hurt people along the way but by no means that doesn't mean my love wasn't true. Everything happens for a reason - so I look at cancer and wonder what is the reason... what is my next path in life... has that reason already happened? There's days that I cuss and just scream wanting to know answers but most times those answers don't present themselves right away. So with that I know one day at a time and someday everything will make sense. It may be tomorrow or next year or it could be when I take my last breath... it will finally make sense.

XOXO - Melanoma Diva