Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Goodbye August - U sucked!

That's right - nothing about the month of August has been good! First my diagnosis then lil man breaking his leg... not to mention all the little things that kept piling onto our stress mound... I'm ready to start a new month with hopefully good news!

Tomorrow is my big day! I see Dr. V (surgeon) at 2:00 - I'm really wanting to get this surgery over and get good news. I don't think I'm asking for too much:)

Today was a much better day. Lil man woke up in a much better (more polite) mood which makes everyone's mood better! He was still in a good mood when I got home from work, the only thing is he fell off the toilet and hurt his leg... The pain stopped without pain meds being administered so I'm praying he didn't mess alignment up! He's got a 5 degree angulation  now... we certainly don't want anymore! He was fine the rest of the evening so maybe he got lucky this time around.

I'm so tired and just completely "done" tonight - I think I will try to rest my head and mentally prepare for what tomorrow will bring. My thoughts and prayers are with a dear friend / co-worker as she has more testing tomorrow, hopefully a cause for all her pain and discomfort will be revealed and she can soon be back to her chipper lil self! <3 ya PIC!

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow - we want nothing but good news!







I will not miss you August one bit!



XOXO - Melanoma Diva




Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Some days are for living. Others are for getting through...

So much for waking up thinking it just may be a decent day. I've learned recently not to get my "hopes" too high...
My boy woke up with major cranky undies on, nothing I said or did was gonna make him happy. I managed to rush through getting him ready for school without injury... As I walked out the door I thought to myself "Damn, I feel like I have already worked a stressful 8 hours!" No one can really imagine how upside down our lives have become - unless of course you have experienced it first hand. We have zero help - no one willing to step up and say "hey you guys need a break, let me stay with lil man while you go and grab a bite to eat and see a movie"... yeah, wishful thinking. One thing is for certain, you learn who your real friends and family are when crisis strikes! I might as well put my orders in for my nursing home room with a view!

I did manage to hear some good news today. The "mole" I mentioned in my last post is a freckle and I should not be concerned! I guess that was my best laugh today... I arrived at work, the doc comes out and I say "well, I have something I want you to look at - a mole"  Doc: "where", Me: "my boob" Doc: "come in here and show me"... LOL! So what went from raising my shirt up and discreetly pulling my bra over far enough to expose the area to full sister exposure! I've been putting off getting my physical because it's just a little weird showing your boss your goods... Now, my physical is scheduled after today! Thats one thing I will say - when you are diagnosed with Cancer all dignity seems to fly out the door! If I find a suspicious area, I want it checked! Luckily I'm blessed to with a great group of people. I've even got the nurses being more vigilant on checking their skin and one has given up going to the tanning bed! I only wish I could have been exposed to someone with Melanoma earlier in my life so maybe I could have learned from their story.

Well, I came home to chaos... the boy's mood went from good to shitty in zero point two three seconds! I know he is frustrated being in the wheelchair, having a fiberglass cast up to his nut sack, being segregated from all his friends at school and only seeing my ugly mug, his daddy's mug and Buster's bushy mug - I guess I'd be a bitch too. I'm thinking I need to increase my Lexapro from taking it 2 weeks before auntflo to taking it daily! I literally feel like I'm crawling out of my skin here lately! Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) more like Daily Life Dysphoric Disorder! I know me playing the waiting game has a lot to do with my short fuse... I hate the unknown and I'm so ready for Thursday to get here!

I keep telling myself things could be worse and I should be thankful for what has been thrown our way - it's just hard!

But hey, I could be this poor guy -





















or this poor lil kitty -
















Now, I think I will go enjoy a brisk walk and clear my mind.


XOXO, Melanoma Diva



Monday, August 29, 2011

Got Stress?

I guess you can say the day started out bad with me leaving about 30 minutes late this morning for work... I feel like my life has been turned upside down these last few weeks - hell, that's an understatement! First with my diagnosis and playing the "waiting" game then with my 6 yr old breaking his tibia, now he's in a full leg cast and only mobile via wheelchair - which yep you guessed it ... he depends on us for everything! (another understatement). I keep reminding myself this is a temporary situation... Still, my stress level is through the roof!

We had "Open House" at my lil' guy's school this evening, it's a major undertaking just to get him from point A to point B, I like to be a little early if not on time to where I'm going - I HATE feeling rushed and most of all I hate waiting on someone else (no names mentioned) that has no comprehension of time. But we did make it on time and had a really good discussion with his teacher. He's handling his broken leg better than I think I ever could! Also, his school has been so accommodating to him, what a blessing!

I figured out today I have most likely developed an allergy to latex or adhesive on bandages. I removed the nifty lil band-aid from lesion #2 removal yesterday morning due to SEVERE itching and burning, I went all day without anything on the area... woke up this morning with the red band-aid marks still visible and several tiny blisters between my "sisters" where the bandage extended, still very itchy. Dr. E says he believes I may have developed an allergy to latex. I know my mother is allergic to latex so it's possible, better yet, at this point, anything is possible!

As I sit here tonight ready to claw my skin away (hydro-cortisone is not helping), I just happened to notice a tiny mole near the underside of one of my "sisters", it looks a little suspicious to me (redness on the borders), I'm thinking I better let Dr. E take a peek at it in the morning just to be on the safe side. I'm not letting anything get past me these days!

When will the rainfall of shitty news stop?! I'm so done with August! I'm hoping September will be full of good news, maybe even a lottery win! Hey, a girl can dream, right?!

I'll leave you with a pic of really how I feel at this point!

XOXO, Melanoma Diva


Sunday, August 28, 2011

The beginning...

I'm a 37 yr old nurse, daughter, sister, wife and mother, I never imagined the "C" word would be attached to my description - never.
This is my story from the beginning, in my own words (unless otherwise quoted from someone else). There will be days that you will read inappropriate language - as this is my story - my journey and I refuse to sugar coat any part of it. Being newly diagnosed I have feelings of anger, sadness and fear so I'm full of cuss words right now and I do apologize in advance if anyone feels offended. Hence the warning before you started reading my blog - you were warned.

Ok, now on to my story from the beginning.

I've always been an indoor tanner - I'm not gonna lie, I can honestly say at one point in my life I was certainly addicted to indoor tanning. I started my tanning rituals as a young teen (I'm gonna guess around 13). My mother tanned when I was younger so I thought "hey I'm gonna tan too"! I've tried to go back and remember just how often I tanned in my teen years and I truly can't give a definite answer. I know from the age 13 to probably 19 it wasn't an everyday ritual (I may have went a period of a week or two going daily but nothing like I did in my 20's). My 20's were a different story, at one point I was going to 2 tanning beds per day! Yeah, pretty stupid! I did that for probably a month or 2, but the daily tanning continued for a long time. This past year I have slowed down tanning, I may have went in "spurts" of daily but mostly 1 or 2 times per week. My last tanning session was the week of August 8, 2011. I will never step another foot in a tanning bed as long as I'm alive. To me I didn't tan to be dark it was more for the relaxation and the "light" therapy - I always felt so much better (my mood) after a tanning session. Now, I'd rather take a Celexa to help my moods or just be a bitch:)

I had noticed in early July, a mole on my abdomen that had been there as long as I can remember would start to itch just for about 10-15 minutes after I tanned. I showed it to a co-worker / friend and she demanded I get it checked. It wasn't a raised mole but I did notice it had changed (irregular, black with an area of red) it didn't bleed or wasn't "crusty". I work at a Family Practice office so I asked Dr. E (whom I work for) to take a look at it on Wednesday August 10th. He was sitting behind his desk and as I raised my top up so he could see it, he said "yeah, I can take it off - it's probably nothing but you don't want it to become something" - Ok, I'll add myself to your schedule for tomorrow. So, Thursday came and I climbed up on the procedure table so he could remove it. He raised the table up and lowered the light down on it and was able to get a good look at it (better than the day before sitting in a not so well lit room with a desk between us). "Yes, Billie, it definitely needs to go". I had been feeling nervous all day thinking the removal was going to hurt! I had myself so worked up... Well, all I can say is, he was excellent! I didn't even feel him numb it! He closed the area with 1 stitch that would dissolve and applied Dermabond - he said scarring would be minimal. I laughed and said that scarring really didn't matter considering I already have a road map to Iraq on my stomach (stretch marks from my 3 children) - this tiny scar was just gonna be a small detour. We all laughed and continued on with our day.

Mole before removal
 After; ready for pathology



Friday, August 12, 2011 - I just got back from picking my lunch up at Chick-fil-A, I sat down at my desk and another nurse "D" came in to see if her recent lab work results were back, I looked on the computer and said "No, but my biopsy results are in..." We both read the report and my mind went blank - "D" said to go show it to Dr. E! I hit print and grabbed it off the copier then hurriedly marched in his office as he was eating his lunch... he could tell something was wrong as I laid the report in front of him asking with a shaky voice "what the hell does this mean?" I don't really remember everything he mumbled - something about I needed a re-excision, but he couldn't do it, I need to refer you to a specialist... blah blah blah "Billie, you have Melanoma"... Ok, now I'm listening what does this mean - Superifical Spreading Melanoma, Clark's level 4. All I could hear was Melanoma (Cancer) level 4... I didn't know what the clark's level meant, I was just hearing level 4 so in my mind I was thinking I had Cancer Stage 4!
Clark's level refers to how deep the tumor has penetrated into the skin layers, there are 5 levels:

  • Level I: confined to the epidermis (top-most layer of skin); called "in situ" melanoma; 100% cure rate at this stage
  • Level II: invasion of the papillary (upper) dermis
  • Level III: filling of the papillary dermis, but no extension in to the reticular (lower) dermis
  • Level IV: invasion of the reticular dermis
  • Level V: invasion of the deep, subcutaneous tissue
So, Dr. E tells me I need this re-excised quickly and he goes on to tell me I will probably need a Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy (SLNB). Yes, I'm a nurse but my specialty is not dermatology and all these words he was throwing at me were foreign! When you are struck with an illness your nursing goes out the window at that split second - everything is gibberish until you fully take it all in and get over the initial shock!

Sentinel Lymph Nodes is defined as the first lymph node to which cancer cells are most likely to spread from a primary tumor, sometimes there can be more than one sentinel lymph node.
A Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy is a procedure where the sentinel lymph nodes is identified, removed and examined to determine if cancer cells are present.
A negative SLNB result suggests that cancer has not developed the ability to spread to nearby lymph nodes or other organs. A positive SLNB result indicates that cancer is present in the sentinel lymph node and may be present in other nearby lymph nodes (called regional lymph nodes) and, possibly, other organs. This information can help a doctor determine the stage of the cancer (extent of the disease within the body) and develop an appropriate treatment plan.

So, you're wondering how they do this SLNB procedure...
A surgeon injects a radioactive substance, a blue dye, or both near the tumor to locate the position of the sentinel lymph node. The surgeon then uses a device that detects radioactivity to find the sentinel node or looks for lymph nodes that are stained with the blue dye. Once the sentinel lymph node is located, the surgeon makes a small incision (about 1/2 inch) in the overlying skin and removes the node.
The sentinel node is then checked for the presence of cancer cells by a pathologist. If cancer is found, the surgeon may remove additional lymph nodes, either during the same biopsy procedure or during a follow-up surgical procedure.


Dr. E called a local Dermatologist that specializes in Melanoma and set up an appointment for me. August 24th - OMG, thats 2 weeks from now! All I can think is "I can't wait that long". So I was going to have "D" call their office Monday morning and move my appointment up - sometimes if you talk to the nurse they can move the schedules around and get you in quicker:) That was my plan!
That plan didn't last long, my 6 yr old son crashed on an electric scooter the next day and broke his Tibia! Dr. E wanted him seen by a Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon so off to Riley Hospital in Indianapolis we went! My health issues was slapped on the back burner while we took care of my lil' man. I couldn't have my appointment moved up due to not knowing what was going to happen with him, so I just waited. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate to wait!

Wednesday August 24th
I went to see a specialist that specializes in Melanoma. I didn't sleep but maybe 2 hours all night because I was so worried about today's visit. I arrive for my appointment, the nurse takes me back and hands me 3 brochures on Malignant Melanoma... the first sentence in the first one I opened: "Melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer, whether called malignant melanoma or simply melanoma, this cancer can metastasize (spread) rapidly.
What a smack of "this is really happening to me"...
The doctor comes in and within minutes I'm feeling so much better - she says the size is just .1 mm so I will just clean it up and it should take care of it. I'm thinking OK awesome... then she proceeds to say "Oh wait a minute, the biopsy report says .10 CM this can't be right" then she leaves the room to call the pathologist. She comes back and confirms the report is correct and there's no way possible she could do the re-excision (WLE) because I definitely need a sentinel lymph node biopsy to stage the melanoma. She said she will need to refer me to a general surgeon due to the depth involved and the need for the SLNB. Well.. there just went the air out of my balloon! My moment of victory fell back down to complete depression!

BTW - a wide local excision (WLE) is a surgical procedure to remove a small area of diseased or problematic tissue with a margin of normal tissue.

So, she does a complete skin assessment (and when I say complete - I mean COMPLETE, every inch) The first mole she finds - BOOM, it looks suspicious "I need to remove it for biopsy"... I'm thinking oh great, I'm gonna leave this place looking like a mouse has been nibbling at my skin. Thankfully, only one mole had to go! Now, I'm praying for it to be benign! I don't think I can go through having more areas of my body cut on! Please let this be benign!

 Sorry, no before pic just this ugly after pic!



Thursday, August 25th
Biopsy is back - junctional melanocytic nevus with architectural atypia, non malignant! Woohoo!


Now, I'm in waiting limbo. I have an appointment with Dr. V a surgeon on Thursday September 1st at 2 PM. I hope he sets up the SLNB and WLE for the follow week so I can get this over with. I'm the kinda girl that likes to know exactly what I'm dealing with. I don't like things sugar coated, I want the straight answer regardless if it's news that will hurt me, I have to know. All I can do is pray and ask others to please send prayers and positive thoughts. I refuse to let this cancer kick my ass! I have my beautiful 19 yr old daughter to see graduate from college, her wedding and birth of my future unborn grandchildren, my 6 yr old to graduate high school, (hopefully) college and him starting a family and to see my 20 yr old achieve happiness and stability in his life. I'm not ready to just lay down and die, I'm too fierce and determined for that!

Some may wonder "why a blog?" I have chosen to keep this blog to share my experiences with others who may be facing the same unknown fears as I am. If I can help just one person by keeping this blog then hey, I have achieved something. I want everyone to know the dangers of indoor tanning use and exposure outside as well. It's all good fun in the sun until the damage is done! I never thought I would be advocating against indoor tanning - here I am with thoughts of my life passing before me, IT'S NOT WORTH IT! I'd rather be as pale as a vampire than not see my children's beautiful faces and hear them say "I love you mom" ever again! It's not a joke, this my friend, is reality.


XOXO, Melanoma Diva