I'm on the nightrain, ready to crash and burn.

... it's near

I guess I should warn those of you that are actually following me and this blog... this post WILL contain cuss nasties! It's been one of those days that I've felt anger and fear - so I'm pretty much in a deep funk! 

It's hard for me to explain in words the feelings and thoughts that consume my mind. It's pretty fuckin sad not being able to close my eyes at night and get a decent night of rest without my "train" (mind) running full speed! I'm pretty damn close to derailment! 

I'm constantly examining my body to see if any new "suspicious" areas have popped up, I'm constantly thinking back and wondering if this has anything to do with that... every spare minute I get I find myself searching you tube videos showing "Lymphoscintigraphys" or "Wide Local Excisions". Today I was searching the web for "Melanoma on the mid abdomen prognosis". I think about all the stomach problems I have and I can't help to wonder if this horrible bitch cancer hasn't done other things to my body. My mind is on constant overdrive. I get so frustrated because I feel like there is not one person "here" I can talk to you about all these crazy fucked up emotions controlling me. I try to talk to Philip or show him different things I have read just to get an opinion or hell, some reassurance but I find he pretty much must think I say funny things because his usual response is laughter (not in a mean heartless way) but enough to annoy the fuck out of me. I really shouldn't complain because he has been here for me when no one else has (family). I hope he realizes that this "bitchy" attitude will one day subside and I will be "me" again. He's just not the greatest at expressing his emotions but hell, what damn guy is, right?! My eyes have truly been opened within the past month - I know who I can count on and who I can't. I know what friends have been blowing up my FB wall , inbox, email and phone almost daily sending prayers, positive thoughts and offering to help in any way possible. Those are people I will never forget and most importantly I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Family can surprise you sometimes. My own mother has been more worried about Menza and his broken leg - I keep telling myself she has probably just blocked it out because it's something she doesn't want to deal with. Which I'm probably right!

I just find it funny when something major happens everyone flocks in and acts so concerned but as time goes on those people are no where to be found. I have personally witnessed this many times with friends and family when they were dealing with death of a loved one, etc... It's hard to sort out the ones with genuine feelings vs. the ones that just give off the "I'm almighty and gonna save the world" concerned attitude... I know I am blessed with some great friends especially my ladies from my MM group (I know if they were local they would be beating my door down to drag me out of this funk) :) I also know Philip truly cares even when I'm being a difficult bitch - he just has a HARD time expressing himself. We have a dear friend that probably has less than a month to live because cancer has taken his body hostage, his family is busy fighting over who gets what instead of spending this man's last few weeks on earth loving him, sharing memories and laughter with him... People can be evil and heartless. I just hope and pray no one thinks more of my personal belongings than sharing life with me during my last days.

If you made it this far, bless you. As the days get closer the more I find myself isolated with anger and fear. Of course I'm not directing these feelings towards any one person, just my general thoughts uncensored.  

XOXO- Melanoma Diva