Pain marks the spot.

continued...

So, once I'm registered at the Surgery Center it was no time and the nurse called me back to the pre-op area. She went over several health related questions and then escorted me to the changing area. "Off with everything and put on these fashionable knee high anti-embolism socks"... Once I'm changed, I go back to the curtained area I was at and the nurse tells me she needs to go ahead and start an IV. "Best wishes" I think to myself... I've had zero fluids and food and you think it's gonna be easy to stick me?? Well, as she learned after a good 30 minutes it wasn't! Dr. V peeked in on me and we discussed the surgery. He was looking for a surgical marker to mark my skin but I told him "X" marks the spot on my breast. His thoughts "interesting"... I believe he was somewhat surprised that 2 lymph nodes in my breast lit up. He then proceeded to say that he would most likely need to make 3 incisions because the axillary area is the main area for the lymph nodes - my breast nodes are satellites.... He apologized stating he will try his best not to disfigure my breast. He said my surgery would last roughly 2 hours and that he would keep Philip updated. Off he went to view the results from the Lymphoscintigram, finally the nurse gets my IV going and brings back Philip to sit with me while I wait on the Anesthesiologist (Dr. K). No sooner than Philip takes a seat, Dr. K walks in introduces himself and asks questions regarding my health and quickly goes on his way. Philip tries to break the sadness I feel by commenting on my sexy knee high socks... it works... for a minute. Then its time to roll...

 This is the tiny scar left from the first excision of the mole.

Dr. K comes back to escort me to the OR. I walk beside him, blankets draped over my body, I can feel the coldness of the floor against my feet. I feel my body shake with fear - a 1 minute walk that seemed like forever. There we stand in a COLD, very clean and very blue room, music is blasting (my surgeon has great taste in music) I look over at the table where I will lay my tired, frightened body - I remember asking myself "is this really happening"... yep, it is, Dr. K then helps remove the 2 blankets I'm so tightly snuggled in, then he asks me to drop my gown and lay on the table. Really??? I'm naked with knee high anti-embolism socks on under this gown... I have to drop the gown?! He kindly helps untie the back and I drop it as I climb on the table. I was shivering cold so he turned the thermostat down and gave me a blanket. I placed my arms out to the side on the arm rests and Dr. K then said he was going to give me a sedative because he can only imagine the fear I must have. Yep, I was beyond scared at that point. Once the sedative was administered into my IV it didn't take long at all - I was asleep.
I woke up in a different room with a nurse talking but I couldn't make out what she was saying at first. I was crying in pain - my underarm felt as if someone tried to fit the Goodyear Blimp into it! She immediately helped get my panties and sweat pants on then administered pain meds in my IV. I cried and cried I hurt so bad! She administered pain meds 4 times before bringing back Philip. She then said she would try to catch Dr. V to ask about the pain and numbness in my arm. Philip tells me my lymph nodes were clean - the cancer has not spread. He also tells me he didn't have to make an incision into my breast, just the axillary area for lymph node biopsies. I'm so relieved to hear the cancer has not spread and my boob was still my same ol worn out empty sock boob! I cried more and more... My nurse brought me an oral pain med and another IV pain med. I was finally feeling some relief. She went over several post op instructions but I couldn't even begin to tell you what she said because at that point I was floating on pain meds. Philip helped get my upper body dressed and helped me out to his truck. Try getting into a Hummer with your stomach split open and your armpit... no fun! But we managed and I drifted off to sleep for the ride home.
I'm now 4 days post op and I can say I feel worse than I did day 1 post op. The soreness and pain is indescribable. When I sit upright or get up to walk it feels like my abdomen incision is tearing apart. Sleeping is horrible! The first 2 nights I slept on my back (I am not a back sleeper) now I'm able to maneuver a pillow under my stomach while I'm on my side to sleep and rest another pillow under my arm. Still not ideal sleeping but it helps. I find myself sleeping 12 + hours per day. My bones ache, I'm urinating smurf blue and I'm so constipated a nuclear bomb set off in my colon wouldn't help! I'm taking pain meds (1 tablet) every 2 hours instead of 2 tablets every 4. My stomach can't tolerate 2 pain pills at once. Post -op day 1 I had a severe rosacea flare up, it was so bad my lips were even burning! Luckily I caught Dr. E out in the swamp and he was able to call me in some meds. Bottom line, there has been absolutely nothing fun and joyful about this experience. Lately my emotions have been all over the place. I feel so bad for Philip because not only is he waiting on Menza now he's taking care of me. I can tell he is so frustrated at times and probably thinking to himself - he didn't sign up for this shit... I'm so thankful I have him here because I haven't seen not one family member! My oldest son was over last night but as of this second he is at the hospital preparing to earn his new title "Daddy". My daughter is in college and I know she can't skip out to come help us - I would never ask that of her. I am grateful to all the friends that have called, texted, inboxed or sent messages. For the ones that didn't - all I can say is Karma!...

 

This is the much larger re-excision site post-op

This is the axillary incision post-op

Philip snapped the above pics while I was in recovery

Day 1 Post-OP Ouchy IV Site

Day 1 Post-Op Lovely Rosacea Flare-up

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

What you are not told.

Well, here I am on day 2 post -op. This day has been much worse than yesterday! I know several people are waiting to hear about my experience so I will try by starting at the beginning and yes, I do have some pics (thanks to Philip).

Friday September 23, 2011 - We arrived at the hospital, Nuclear Medicine Department for the Lymphoscintigram to start roughly at 8 AM. The Nuclear Med tech came into the waiting room explaining to her best ability the procedure. One of the very first things she said "this is going to hurt like hell". I think I heard that 10 times before the actual procedure! So immediately I start feeling very anxious and the tears start to fill my eyes as I was in the dressing room removing my clothing to put on a gown and hospital pants for the procedure. I bravely walked out and sat next to Philip as he gently stroked my hand and reassured me everything was going to be OK. "Sarah" another technician came in the waiting room to walk me down the long dark hallway to what would be "my" room for the next 2 + hours. She too, went over the procedure and said the Radiologist Dr. S would be in momentarily to inject the 4 "radiotracers" around the original mole excision site. (North, South, East and West of the lesion). Once he arrived he apologized in advance numerous times before starting the procedure. All I can say is there is no description or nothing I could possibly compare the pain to. I immediately burst into tears with the first injection. As Dr. S finished the first injection and prepared for the second one he apologized again. He did all 4 rather fast because of the pain involved - no need to drag it along... lets just get it over with! The pain only lasted during the "injection" once the radiotracer was injected the pain would subside. Ok, all four injections were done and Dr. S wished me the best and was on his way. Sarah (Nuclear Med Tech) stayed with me the entire time. She massaged my abdomen trying to get the radiotracers to break up and go where ever they were destined to go. Within 20 minutes I had my first Lymph Node light up, then shortly after that my second; which happened to be right next to the first. During this time images were obtained the entire time and once a node lit up they marked my skin for my surgeon.
When Sarah's surgical marker "hit" my right breast and marked as number 1, I immediately got choked up... my breast?? I knew my surgeon was going to make an incision where the node was and all I could think about was my breast. We had discussed the location most likely being inguinal or axillary - he said nothing about my breast! Everything was suddenly surreal to me. Sarah could tell I was scared and tried her best to keep my mind occupied about other things... we talked about my kids, college and then she gained enough courage to ask how I found out I had melanoma. I feel in my heart my story touched her enough to where she will think twice before exposing her body to the harmful UV tanning bed rays. If I get nothing else from this journey  - just helping 1 person realize the truth in tanning, just 1 person - I will feel I accomplished something.

This is a pic of my actual Lymphoscintigram

Yep, thats part of my right breast marked for surgery.

So, we finished up and I was taken back to the waiting / locker room area where Philip was waiting very patiently. I proceeded to the locker room to change back into my clothes so I could get over to the surgery center by 10 AM for my surgery. As I removed the gown I dropped down to my knees in tears, asking GOD to please give me the strength and courage I needed to get through this. I sobbed uncontrollably but then realized I had to put my brave face on and walk out through those locker room doors and face Philip. He knew it wasn't good... as we walked down the hallway he asked how many nodes lit up, I responded with "2" and he asked where, then I said my damn breast! He's gonna have to cut up my breast. Philip has to be the most calm, reassuring person I have ever meant. "Babe, at least you caught this early - it's going to be fine". Then we entered the surgery center; "Hi, I'm Billie, I have a 10 AM appt for surgery".

Too be continued.....

I'm on the nightrain, ready to crash and burn.

... it's near

I guess I should warn those of you that are actually following me and this blog... this post WILL contain cuss nasties! It's been one of those days that I've felt anger and fear - so I'm pretty much in a deep funk! 

It's hard for me to explain in words the feelings and thoughts that consume my mind. It's pretty fuckin sad not being able to close my eyes at night and get a decent night of rest without my "train" (mind) running full speed! I'm pretty damn close to derailment! 

I'm constantly examining my body to see if any new "suspicious" areas have popped up, I'm constantly thinking back and wondering if this has anything to do with that... every spare minute I get I find myself searching you tube videos showing "Lymphoscintigraphys" or "Wide Local Excisions". Today I was searching the web for "Melanoma on the mid abdomen prognosis". I think about all the stomach problems I have and I can't help to wonder if this horrible bitch cancer hasn't done other things to my body. My mind is on constant overdrive. I get so frustrated because I feel like there is not one person "here" I can talk to you about all these crazy fucked up emotions controlling me. I try to talk to Philip or show him different things I have read just to get an opinion or hell, some reassurance but I find he pretty much must think I say funny things because his usual response is laughter (not in a mean heartless way) but enough to annoy the fuck out of me. I really shouldn't complain because he has been here for me when no one else has (family). I hope he realizes that this "bitchy" attitude will one day subside and I will be "me" again. He's just not the greatest at expressing his emotions but hell, what damn guy is, right?! My eyes have truly been opened within the past month - I know who I can count on and who I can't. I know what friends have been blowing up my FB wall , inbox, email and phone almost daily sending prayers, positive thoughts and offering to help in any way possible. Those are people I will never forget and most importantly I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Family can surprise you sometimes. My own mother has been more worried about Menza and his broken leg - I keep telling myself she has probably just blocked it out because it's something she doesn't want to deal with. Which I'm probably right!

I just find it funny when something major happens everyone flocks in and acts so concerned but as time goes on those people are no where to be found. I have personally witnessed this many times with friends and family when they were dealing with death of a loved one, etc... It's hard to sort out the ones with genuine feelings vs. the ones that just give off the "I'm almighty and gonna save the world" concerned attitude... I know I am blessed with some great friends especially my ladies from my MM group (I know if they were local they would be beating my door down to drag me out of this funk) :) I also know Philip truly cares even when I'm being a difficult bitch - he just has a HARD time expressing himself. We have a dear friend that probably has less than a month to live because cancer has taken his body hostage, his family is busy fighting over who gets what instead of spending this man's last few weeks on earth loving him, sharing memories and laughter with him... People can be evil and heartless. I just hope and pray no one thinks more of my personal belongings than sharing life with me during my last days.

If you made it this far, bless you. As the days get closer the more I find myself isolated with anger and fear. Of course I'm not directing these feelings towards any one person, just my general thoughts uncensored.  

XOXO- Melanoma Diva

Unstoppable.

It's getting closer....

What a lazy weekend! Friday night I crashed with a major migraine, slept half the day on Saturday and today... well, took the beastly dog to get shaved. He pretty much looks like a hairless dog now! He's just laying here shivering - I take it he may be a little cold! Oh, and I downloaded the new Lady Antebellum CD - it's a goody :) I love music for its ability to speak to my soul, and writing, for its ability to express my emotions. I find them both very cathartic. 

 

So, 4 more days until my surgery. The closer it gets the more anxiety and fear sets in. Truth is when all the medical stuff is done, it's still not over for my spirit and mind. I'm definitely not going to let this cancer define who I am! Yep, I have my weak moments (mostly in the shower when no one is around or on my long drives home from work) I know I can have all my feelings; AFRAID, or ANGRY - I can feel whatever I want to feel and it's OK. I'm not gonna let cancer be my life - it's just a small part of it and the sun's gonna come up tomorrow. This is my life. I'm gonna do what I love and I'm gonna do it often. If I don't like something, I'm gonna change it. If I don't like my job, I'm gonna quit. If I don't have enough time - I'm gonna stop watching TV. The love of my life will be waiting for me when I start doing things I love. I got to stop analyzing. ALL emotions are beautiful. When I eat, I appreciate every last bite. Life is simple. I'm gonna open my mind, arms and heart to new things and people, we are united in our differences. I want to share my inspiring dreams. I want to travel often - getting lost will help me find myself. I know some opportunities only come once - I want to seize them. Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them. LIVE IS SHORT. I'm gonna live my dream and wear my passion! Faith, Hope, Strength, Love and Pray. Cancer can kiss my ass because I AM unstoppable in my hope and strength. 

 

 XOXO - Melanoma Diva

 

My life without sugar.

One more lousy week to go!

Yep, that's right one week from today I will finally have this deadly disease excised from my body and hopefully know my prognosis! This past month has been a living hell for me, just not knowing how much damage is already done ... it's a feeling I can't even begin to put into words.

I'm still feeling very fatigued. I had my lab work done - results are very disappointing! I've always had a low glucose level but never really gave it much thought until today. The morning I had my blood work I guzzled a large McDonald's sweet tea about 1 hour prior to the lab draw. I had just had my "wellness" exam through work and really wasn't worried about "fasting". Well, my glucose was 75 after drinking a large sweet tea, and my Triglycerides were 258!!! I have never in my life had high Triglycerides! So, after talking with the doctor I was told my body is producing too much insulin which will eventually burn my pancreas out. The thought of depending on insulin in a syringe to live really turns my stomach so I now am eliminating all sugar from my diet. My mother has chronic pancreatitis and is an insulin dependent diabetic... NO THANK YOU - I WANT NO PART OF IT! Dr. E says the first 2 weeks of coming off the sugar will be rough but it's something I must do. My HDL was really low "31", which surprised the hell out of me considering I have been busting my ass at night jogging and walking ever since the end of June. I was expecting a slight raise in my HDL's not a 5 point decrease!

I was told Cancer loves sugar. All of your cells need glucose (blood sugar) for energy. Healthy cells follow a life cycle of growth, division and death. Like leaves on a tree, old cells die off and are replaced by an equal number of healthy cells. Cancer develops when old cells refuse to die, but keep growing, dividing, and building up in one place – creating a tumor. 

FML - my head hurts from trying to take everything in... at this point I just want to go to bed and not wake up until this nightmare is over. It seems like each day brings more bullshit. 

Oh on a happier note: my lil diva daughter's biopsy came back benign - thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts. It would have killed me if it cam back BCC, SCC or Malignant Melanoma!

I'm off to rest my head. I've gone into full migraine status just in the time in took to compose this post. What a pretty shitty life at the moment. 

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

My get up and go must a got up and went.

more days... 

Today I woke up feeling very ill; nauseated and tired - I pushed myself and went on to work... as always, thinking I would start feeling better once I got there... WRONG! I felt like someone had drugged me, I couldn't keep my head up and eyes open for the life of me! I ended up going out to my car and taking a nap on my lunch break! I thought once I got a power nap in I would be able to make it the rest of the day. Needless to say I left work at 3:30... not sure how exactly I made it home! I know there was a few times I opened my eyes to find my car going off the road! I have never felt as drained and worn out as I have today. I'm not sure if it's the cancer zapping me or if its just all the bullshit stress and worrying I have been doing for the past month! Definitely will be getting my lab work done tomorrow!

My daughter came by my office yesterday and had Dr. E remove a suspicious mole from her abdomen - the exact same side and spot as mine... I was expecting her biopsy results back today but they never did come in. You guys have been awesome about sending your prayers and positive thoughts my way, now I'm asking you to include my daughter in those prayers. Dr. E says hers wasn't as ugly as mine and he doubts the biopsy will come back Melanoma which gives me hope for her! I'm hardly dealing with my diagnosis - I couldn't imagine my child being diagnosed with Cancer. Hopefully tomorrow I will have her results.

It's my bedtime (yep, it's not even 8 PM yet) but like I said.... my get up and go must a got up and went!

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Blessed Beyond Measure.

... and counting

 

 

Today was a great day  - FINALLY! My cancer did not enter my mind one time today, only tonight as I compose this post. Since finding out I have Malignant Melanoma my mind has been so clouded with constant thoughts of why me, what about my family and all the things in life I still have to accomplish. Not today Cancer - I kicked your ass out of my thoughts!

 

My oldest son, Andrew, turned 21 today. WOW! It's hard to believe he is 21, I can still remember swaddling him in my arms as if it was yesterday! Now, he's about to become a daddy (real soon) - time just seems to fly by. 

 

We had a baby shower today for Andrew and Corey at a local park - the day turned out to be so beautiful, not too hot and not too cold... just perfect for an outside celebration. Several friends from my work and also a couple long time BFF's came to show their support - it was so great to have everyone there. I am truly blessed to have such caring and wonderful friends. These ladies ROCK! 

 

Brooklyn and her BF Jordan came in from college for the baby shower. It was so nice to have all three kiddos together and supporting one another (rare occasion). I must say Lil Miss Adalyn Reese is already spoiled before shes even here... I'm so excited:) 

 

As I sit here typing this post and reflecting back on today, I am so thankful for being able to spend time with family and good friends. Life is so hectic and crazy at times but we must slow down long enough to enjoy the simple things in life and most of all our families and the ones we love. 

 

Blessed Beyond Measure...

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

 

I've got designer bags under my eyes

More long days...

I am so beyond tired... I have a new found respect for parents of physically handicap children! I feel like I have been working 3 shifts daily! I can't wait until October 6th - hopefully lil man will have the dreaded cast removed and fitted for a walking boot. Bless his heart, he's had such an awesome attitude considering all his limitations. (He even received the "Most Outstanding Attitude" award at school last Friday)! This afternoon I had the windows open and he could hear the other kids playing outside, he just sat in front of the door with such a sad gloomy face wishing he could play. This tears my heart up and makes my anger brew even more over the entire situation. So, I decided to take him for a mile and half walk in the wheelchair, buster went too. Once we got outside his friends ran up asking if they could walk too - it was so nice to see him smile.

Today was my half day at work, a much needed break for time to myself indeed. I came home and took a power nap before picking up lil man. I'm starting to think I need some major lab work to see if there's any etiology to my complete bust ass tiredness! I keep telling myself it's just all the stress of worrying about my future compounded by lil man's injury. I'm gonna keep telling myself that! But right now - I feel like this drained, wiped out tree!

On the happy side of things (yes, believe it or not there is some happiness) my first born grandchild is close to entering the world:) I'm so excited to finally meet her, just to hold her in my arms and kiss her sweet little forehead - it's a feeling of anticipation I can't express into words. I'm so anxious just to see what she looks like! I've had numerous dreams lately that lil miss Adalyn is going to have auburn hair and the biggest brown eyes:) So, momma let me know earlier she has been having some cramps and the doctor said if they continue, she needs to go to the hospital to be checked. She's 37 weeks. Momma is nervous but excited and my son says he's not nervous one bit... hmm, we'll see! Life as they know it is getting ready to change!

I will end this post with a text I received today. I was sitting at my desk when I received a random text from my beautiful daughter:

 

So I know you don't hear it very often but I think you are the most amazing woman I know, and I hope when I'm older (much older) I only hope I can be the mother for my kids as you are for us! I love you so much and will ALWAYS be here for you through everything! And I know everything is going to be OK because we have been through hell and back and there's nothing this family can't handle. We've been sent death warnings before (gas leak, creepy guys on nightly walks and freak almost car accidents) and nothing has stopped us yet and Cancer definitely isn't going to either! Just wanted to tell you I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day!

 

Pretty friggin sweet, huh?!

A lot of times we just assume people in our lives know how we feel about them without ever saying a word... We are human beings that need to hear how much we are loved and appreciated. Life is so unpredictable, share your love and feelings now because holding out may make you miss out on possibly the best times of your life. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, live your life with no regrets because you can't get back yesterday.

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Got Energy? I don't....

Days left until Surgery Day...

Sorry - no post yesterday, this ol' girl was wiped out! These last few weeks I have been feeling so drained, when 4 PM rolls around - I'm DONE! It takes everything to stay awake on my 45 minute drive home from work!

Today I was actually able to get out of the house for a few hours to catch a movie. G-ma V stopped in to offer us a break - a much needed break! We went to see "The Help" - if you get to the end of this movie without tearing up at least once, please check for a pulse; you might already be dead! Just sayin'! If you haven't already, you need to check it out, great movie!

I have nothing planned for the night as my "energy" bubble has been deflated and I'm ready to relax... but first I need to find my "get up and go" in order to make it through my 3 mile walk tonight... I didn't walk the past 2 nights due to no energy but I must drag my ass out tonight! One thing I have made a commitment to was staying in shape and healthy regardless how hard it is at times... I was running but due to an ankle injury the "run" has been put on hold... now I'm experiencing severe sharp pains in my right groin area that kills me just walking! But lil old determined me still manages to push through.

I want to thank everyone again for all your prayers, kind words and positive thoughts. I have so much to be thankful for. I know I have had a lot of BAD days lately and I know I will see many more ahead of me but it's definitely my friends and family that keep me grounded with positive thoughts and gives the hope to keep pushing on.

XOXO - Melanoma Diva

Waiting to exhale...

Anyone that knows ME - knows I hate waiting... with that being said my waiting game is continuing.

We went to see Dr. V my surgeon today. First time I've ever met him - very nice, very intelligent and very thorough in explaining the procedures, risks and possible side effects. All around great guy and I feel very confident I am in good "hands".

Bad news is .... I'm not scheduled for the surgery until September 23rd!

It's hard to explain how I feel at this point - I just want this cancer out of me. It's killing me knowing it's inside me, having a party, doing as it pleases!

Oh, and I just realized The Race For The Cure is September 24th - guess that counts me out and I was SO looking forward to going again this year.

I'm just a bundle of nerves and I'm not seeing any source of light at the end of the tunnel.

XOXO - Melanoma Diva