I continue to have good days and bad days. I have found that when I let my guard down and try to actually "live" something comes up and knocks the hell out of my knee caps and I'm back down again. Life... what a mysterious 4 letter word.
I last blogged about the lesion on my leg that popped up out of no where - thankfully the results were benign. Sweet - another hurdle passed! Well, that was short lived... it wasn't long after that I was standing in the nurses' station talking to my divas when I just happened to rub my hand across my neck and noticed a ping pong ball size swelling ... my first thoughts - Oh shit! So, I took off to the restroom to investigate in the mirror... hmm, sure enough it looks like a meatball bulging out of my neck. My heart sank - I managed to pull myself together and immediately find Dr. E to ask his opinion. "Yep, I need to see you in a gown from the waist up to check your lymph nodes"... I feel like I have become a damn experiment project. I thought about it and decided I would hold off and just keep an eye on it - after all it wasn't hurting. That weekend I spent several hours researching supraclavicular lymph nodes and causes for swelling, etc.. needless to say nothing positive came out of it so I just dropped it. I'm tired, I'm worn out and I'm so mentally dead with this "C" word. I want to get through this last month of 2011 with no bad news. Am I scared it's something to do with cancer? Absolutely! But I don't want to deal with it - I just want to be left alone and try to live my life the best way possible.
No one knows what it feels like to constantly look behind your shoulder waiting for the next "fucking" from cancer unless you are dealing with it first hand. I can sit here all night and try to describe every feeling that I feel but you still will never fully grasp the fear, the pain, the unknown unless it happens to you.
I came across an article tonight on the internet regarding Guiliana Rancic announcing she will undergo a double mastectomy. In making her decision to have the double mastectomy she stated "In the end, all it came down to was just choosing to live and not looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life." I know exactly how that feels - looking over my shoulder the rest of my life... it's not a life or should I say the best quality of life. I send many prayers to Guiliana and her family. Her chances of a recurrence will be less than 1 percent - thats awesome. I wish my surgeon could have looked at me and given me a less than 1 percent recurrence!
So as it stands today - I'm just watching my "meatball" neck. If that changes - I'll let you know!
XOXO - Melanoma Diva
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