Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Day To Be Alone.






The title says it all... I'm not too far from breaking down - All I've got are screams inside, but somehow they come out in a smile and I'm wondering if I will always feel this way... This thing called life really sucks and I don't want to play nice anymore.
3 weeks ago I had a lesion pop up on my right leg just below my knee... this lesion just started increasing in size like mad! So today I swallowed my fear and asked Dr. E to look at it - I feel like such a pain in the ass, every time a "new" lesion pops up or a mole looks funny I'm asking questions! I know everyone around me is absolutely tired of hearing my fears and ramblings. Anyway, Dr. E says we best remove it - it looks like Basal Cell. FUCK YOU Basal Cell, FUCK YOU Squamous Cell and FUCK you Melanoma! Up on the table I go to have the little bastard removed... Yep, another piece of me chopped away. I'm so done with this constant fear I live in. I'm tired of being miserable and feeling like a ticking time bomb on the inside. But who gives a fuck, right? It's my life, the choices I made - you play... you must pay. Today I feel like making a bucket list of every damn thing I ever imagined I would like to do legal and illegal before my body is chopped to nothing. I'm angry, I'm miserable and I don't want to live my life feeling this way. I feel alone, no one understands - no one truly cares... there's more importance in preparing for disasters or the end of the world catastrophes... I wish that's all I had to worry about.
 Before
Off for Biopsy
After

This is my final thoughts of the night -

Love is for those who put their trust in it... Pain is for people who still have no worth...Hope is lost when there's no need to give in...Hate is the word we always believed in....

I'm off to rest my head on my pillow. I'm so ready for this day to end ... fuck it, I'm ready for this year to end and this nightmare!




XOXO - Melanoma Diva